Be Gentle with Yourself

from the 1927 prose poem  Desiderata (Latin: “desired things”) by Max Ehrmann

in full:

Desiderata 

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. 

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. 

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. 

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. 

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. 

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann

Since yesterday, I have been feeling lots of resentment triggered emotionally by the news that I will be posted to work at the head office. I could visualize myself vanishing from my present comfort zone and stepping into a furnace and burned to death. To eliminate feelings of resentment or anger, I will start searching for motivational and inspirational quotes to remind myself that life is short, the time spent getting angry or resentful about things is time squandered. Be mindful and do something to remove myself from it. 

I kept reading different quotes from Helen Keller, Eleanor Roosevelt, Albert Einstein, Steve Jobs, C.S.Lewis and many more. Not only was I reminded to make peace from within, also refreshes my mind to be grateful for what I have that I know how to be a happy person living in this beautiful world. When I came across this quote "Be Gentle with Yourself" by Max Ehrmann, the simplified version from the original poem of "Desiderata", I felt the sudden awakening from deepen guilt inside to praying for forgiveness and peace.  I am thankful to God for his guidance and acceptance ... I found peace and love that I want to share it with people around me.

Feeling Insecured ...

Yesterday, received news were distorted from what was relayed previously. We were told that we will move to our new plant but now it will not be materialized. Instructions given by the accounts department to cut costs and have us moved in back to our head office at Tuas. But that was not where I started this job. I calculated the travelling time may be around two and a half hours each way. That will mean I have to get up by 5 a.m. to reach the office at 8.30 a.m. and will reach home at about 8.30 p.m. every night. That will leave me with no time even to breathe or digest my dinner. This precarious move may cause health deterioration and advanced aging which after serious thoughts, I will persist not to make this move until the company terminate my employment. 

Selfish Bosses

Bad luck working with incompetent people Not only that, an out and out jerk with personality flaws, incompetent, insensitive, irresponsible and ignorant yet not resourceful. When faced with problems, he will push the blame on us. When comes to credit, they take them all. Now they are sitting safely on their new position and here we are, unwanted and outcast without a future in a big and established organization. 

Needless to say, no assistance provided for insufficient manpower until the last minute but expects project to be completed at the same with a pair of hands with a two weeks' deadline. Obviously, he will not bear responsibility but let the staff be the scapegoat instead.

Bad luck having such idiot around caring only for his own selfish gains and protect his own ass. I hope karma slaps you in the face before I do ...

Time to move on

I have updated my resume and will try to send out some applications. However, on second thoughts, if I am sufficiently compensated I could still cope taking one or two months' break before moving on to the next job. Should I take the Divemaster course? but where should I go? Nearest to home is Tioman but closed for the monsoon season. Pulau Weh is a nice and cheap to stay but there is a need for transfer and only one flight per day. Many of the pros did their course in the Philippines which is also a nice and cheap place to stay. Hope someone can enlighten me soon or I will continue to seek help with Google.

Suddenly, I felt financially unstable after having plans to set up my new camera rig with strobes and accessories, get a new mobile phone, do up my hair etc, being the sole breadwinner now makes me feel even more frustrated.

What should I do?

With much thoughts and uncertainty on my mind, I could not do much at work today. I still cannot accept the fact of leaving this company. Why should I leave because of the selfish decision of the supervisors? But if I am well compensated, I could take a long break and then look for a new job ... But at my age, how many interviews do I need before I get hired by someone? That is another problem ... age! I am worrying about the balance loan repayment for my home ... if I could not find a job, what should I do?

Asthma

I have been leading an active life and almost forgot about having a history of asthma ever since school days and a couple of attacks over the past 10 years. I only started to own an inhaler when I was hospitalized in 2011. It was sealed in the box and inside my drawer until lately, I struggled searching for it. Our whole family were at the wake of our late uncle for 3 days. During this week, every night, I was awaken with a bad cough and my airways were blocked that I almost could not find my breath. That was the worse attack I have ever had. It happened consecutively for 5 nights and my chest was so tight and felt so tired the next morning so I went to the doctor. I was prescribed the nasty steroids and some flu and cough medicine. 

The effects of steroids as usual, anxiety and unable to sleep for the first two nights. Heavy sweating the next 2 days and skin started to feel dry. After finishing my dose, acne will popped up 3 days later and felt very thirsty the whole day long.

After some research, people like me who has Gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD)  are likely to get asthma. And after completion of the HepC therapy, I started to have GERD ... and now asthma!

I am glad all is cleared now and there is no need to carry the inhaler everywhere I go anymore.  However, whenever I catch a cold, I will have to standby for another attack anytime.

Condolences .. 21 October 2013

You have gone to a wonderful place

Out of the pain into God's grace
God saw you getting tired
And whispered "Come home to stay."

We know for sure
he is in a better place
No more hurt or pain shall he face.
It seems unfair but this is true,
He is in Heaven watching over me and you!

God has called him home to rest
He will be well taken care of 

Because God knows best!

We lost a dear one last week .. uncle lost the battle to Multiple Myeloma an incurable cancer of the plasma cells. He relapsed a week before he was hospitalized and from his positiveness and optimism, we thought he deserve more days. He only complained about difficulty swallowing food and drink and felt not much pain. I heard he fell in the bathroom the day before he left.  But I do not think that was the cause of his death.  

However, after some research on this horrifying disease, I thought the doctor could be accurate with the prediction through his investigations that he was left with three months to live (since July). Though he had worked hard all his life and had just stepped in to retirement, he managed to spend some happy last days holidaying with his family. Everybody was consoled.

Rivers of tears were shed during the three days at the wake and funeral. All the close family members and other relatives gathered and spent 3 days of sharing and caught up with lost time. It has been 2 years since I met them. Kids have grown up that I almost could not recognize them. Granny and mum were the worst hit. I could not bear to see them cry because it was contagious... but after the whole ordeal, they managed to stay strong.

A tragedy in a family is the time when you could feel the closeness again. Everybody has been getting busier each years working hard, building their career and family that we lose contact easily. Now is the time for bonding again, update contact details and most importantly, do keep in touch even if there's no tragedy! Blood is always thicker than water.

It is comforting to know the elderly have learned hard in their life how to control their emotions and manage their lives in the golden years. Mum has been more positive now since the loss of my brother 31 years ago. As for myself ... I am much stronger.

Uncle has cancer

I am getting better and better each day. However, I am getting complacent to my overall recovery and have started to abuse my body again! 

I have started to drink again ... intermittently. Feeling really guilty about it while I am still having the occasional runs and stomach problems, I still cannot overcome my boredom of surface interval. Having the daily loose and light stools, I know jolly well the malfunction of my liver has not improved. Coupled with current disappointments at work, Garry and domestic problems, I simply added them together to put it off as "Bored" and drink beer as an escape.

Two days ago, I was informed that mum's brother has Myeloma. After a visit at the hospital and some personal research, his condition is fully understood. He has worked hard all his life at a shipyard, oil refinery I supposed with long term exposure to Benzene which I suspect is the main cause of the cancer. Though he lost lots of weight and in fact, shrank to half the size from before, he seemingly sounded great and positive! I am consoled. I was told he had left with 3 months to live (Doctor said since July) and I am so worried there is no chance for us to interact anymore. He has been a shy and nice uncle since my younger days and after he started his family, though busy with a new commitment, did not fail to recognize me as his niece. 

Let us all pray his relapse is temporary and will start chemotherapy again. Hope for less pain and suffering.

http://hematology.org/Patients/Blood-Disorders/Blood-Cancers/5232.aspx

I am Really Fine!

Those who knew about my illness have been asking me how I am doing nowadays. Since I am doing much better, I said "I'm fine and getting better".

Today is the eighth month since I completed my therapy. I have been doing better and better each day. Below are the summary of my reports:

Tired: no more
Sweats: less
Skin problem: getting better
Bones/Muscles: getting better
Brain:(I mean memory) getting better
Bowels: getting worse
liver function: no improvement
Overall: very good

Most importantly, I have gotten back the usual self and physical abilities which I have lost for years. I am able to perform like a normal and healthy person. No more feeling tired when I wake up in the morning. In fact, ever since taken up scuba diving, have built up a lot, no more flabs all around or pale colored skin. My back problem improved so much that I am able to lift up and carry the tank on my back from the dive centre to the shore. I also completed and passed the Rescue Course without any problems. I could carry an 70 kg guy on my back ... I thought it was a miracle.

I received notice that my past medical bills are not claimable. I have calculated the total of more than $5000 spent on treatment during the second half of 2012 followed by about $2000 medical fees with the Rheumatology, Dermatology and .... which I could not claimed due to my submission financial year ... shit!

Tendinitis again

I cannot think of a suitable title as yet since this topic will be repeated again and again. As I start to feel the strain and pain on my right wrist, I have to clean my room, at least, fans, air-con filters etc in order keep life comfortable. Despite of my wrist tendinitis, I felt the urge to do something for my home. It has been too long since my tendinitis flared up that stopped me from all these housework. I told mum about my problem, she asked how did it  happened but I only replied as it was due to some heavy carrying. What I expect is just an understanding when I dd not do the dishes, cleaning etc.

Today, I felt I have to do it because the fans are full of layers of dust. Today, I did too much, I presume there will be a flare up pretty soon.  I washed 2 toilets, vacuumed and mopped my room, living room, sun the clothes outside and cleaned 2 fans. I felt my wrist is blowing up now. However, with the splint, I can let it rest for a while and see if things get under control. Will update in the next post,

I have lots of resentment when I am doing housework. Nobody understands what the pain when my wrist is inflamed. They may think it is mild just like a sprain which will recover in a few days. How can I explain "tendinitis" to them? Despite of their doubts, I will just do it! They will be glad I did but at the expense of my pain. Why nobody understand???

When I was fighting the pain in the middle of the night, I tried to distract myself by searching for prayers, quotes and motivation to cheer myself up, yet nobody was there except my Lord, who is the One I can turn to. During those times of distress, the only consolation I receive was from my Lord.. Even though I do not attend church, but I 

devote myself to Him at all times. There is nobody else you can trust in this world except our Lord.

I am, however glad somehow, there are people who understands and felt my pain. I am very grateful to Li Chuan (a colleague from 2nd floor) who expressed her concern and even felt the pain I was going through.  Honestly, I was very touched. However, the people who were supposed to understand are in total silence! How am I ever to let them know that I have such limitations?

I have asked my parents, can i  be exempted temporary from housework due to my wrist problem. It seemed she did not except it that is why things are not done and waiting for me to do it over the weekends.  Can i complain that is unfair? There is nothing I can say... 

Post-Treatment - 24 weeks

I have some good news to report and update since the last 2 months of silence. 

Results NEGATIVE:

I have done my final PCR RNA test to be officially pronounced "100% CURED". Anyway, I have been "undetected" ever since the first PCR. Results will be out on June 18 and this is my "graduation certificate"!

After loads of blood tests, skin swaps, biopsies for the painful chronic ulcer on my ankle, it was reported that there is only mild inflammation. Not diagnosed as Vasculitis. Not serious enough to be treated and there is nothing doctors can help except to continue with Colchicine and Nifedipine. All I can do is just simply pray and wish it will not recur.  I have to be extra careful not to injure my skin especially when I am outdoors. There are some adjustments to be made as well. 

Tired NO MORE:

I realized that the morning fatigue is almost gone. It used to take me an hour for my body to get going but now I only need 30 minutes. The widespread aches and pains have diminished so much except when I sit a bit too long. However, the pain is bearable that no medication is needed. I can just put it all behind me.

Flare up:

My wrist tendinitis flared again, the second time this year, after my last diving trip to Kota Kinabalu. I have already reported that I had a steroid jab 3 months ago and no more jabs until I see the Orthopaedic.  I could not get an appointment until June 13. Meanwhile, the company panel prescribed Codeine, Prednisolone to reduce my pain and inflammation. It was a miracle drug! After 2 doses, pain have been reduced 50%. The sad thing is now, I have run out of value on the medical card, I will have to pay cash upfront next time I see the doctor.  I always blamed myself for forcing my hands on that crate of beer just because I wanted to store them inside our fridge in the chalet, for convenience. However, it seems like a norm to get flared after a trip. 

All I can conclude is that whenever I am on holiday, I have forgotten about pain, I am feeling so much better that I overdo things and over exert myself. I have forgotten my motto altogether "If I pace, I can play, if I push, I will pay". 

Post Treatment - Vasculitis or not?

Life has been treating me well the last 2 months. Hair has stopped falling made me a happier person. Generally speaking, I am overall contented with this vast improvement. No more painkillers, with intermittent aches but bearable.  Most of all, I am back in good health.  I will try to get back into shape and hopefully the years that I lost in that six months of therapy. I will be reminded always that health is so precious because when you have lost it, you cannot get it back.

Health is precious, so is life

Treasure it ... love it

Make the best out of it

Do not abuse your body

but pamper with tender loving care

Taking up scuba diving has also made me a different person in a whole new world. Physically, my bone health have improved. Psychologically, my overall perspectives have changed. I could feel the difference when I am out on a diving trip compared to daily routine back home. I realized that inactivity and stress has been giving me lots of aches and pains and sleeplessness. That is how I feel when I am not diving. When I am on a diving trip, lack of sleep or rest do not make me lazy or tired which I do when I am back to work. Mindlessness? Yes, I am no longer uptight when work supposed to be done is not executed spontaneously. If the management is not at all excited about it, why should I? Take things easy! Moreover, I have not been rewarded or compensated accordingly to my recent hard work during my months of sickness and sacrifice of my health. 

The aftermath I am experiencing now is the chronic ulcer on my legs since my Open Water Certification in Thailand. It takes more than a month to heal and recurred on every diving trip. So, the sea water brought it back. I have just been treated with Cochicine for a week now and the prognosis is good. No joint pain, side effects or any major issues. The sores from my scratching have almost healed completely though the cuts from the corals still prevail. Today, I attended the meeting at the hospital with a group of Dermatologists, professors and pathologists, where my doctor presented my case. It will be discussed and I will know the conclusion on my next appointment this Friday.

After weeks of my personal analysis, I can almost conclude that even without the pathologists report of vasculitis, my blood vessels are damaged and inflamed from the battle  between he Interferon/Ribavarin and my immune system. It could be kind of Leukocytoclastic vasculitis or drug-induced vasculitis. Wound, cuts or sores take months to heal and recur without a reason. Even a simple squeeze of an open pore would aggravate the skin and leave a red spot. My hope is not another therapy for me ... oh Jesus please help ...  All I wish is continuing with the current medication or Dapsone as recommended on PubMed for vasculitis. 

Post Treatment - 60 days

On this 28th day of January 2013 has been 60 days since finishing my treatment therapy. Most of the side effects are gradually lessen but some of those lingering seems to last forever, namely: dry/irritated eyes, Tinnitus, feverish syndrome, Vasculitis, irritable bowels etc.  I am glad Alopecia has stopped.  Recently snapped a shot for my PADI certification and oh ... my forehead widened. Pre-existing conditions before starting therapy remain no change, still tired and feeling like a 100 year old every morning, Raynaud's Phenomenon and Livedo Reticularis no improvement.  I shall be patient for another year and see if things get better.

Post Treatment - 12 weeks

Finally, I have waited 12 weeks to take the HCV RNA quantitative test and as expected, I am still undetected... hip hip hooray!!!  I AM CURED ... I DID IT!!! 

The experts have revised the time point from SVR-24 to SVR-12 and SVR-4 which means I am considered CURED. No need to wait 24 weeks.  The following link is from AALD:

http://i-base.info/htb/20643

Here is my latest report of my condition:

I am happy but not for the lingering effects from the medications. Tinnitus has been everlasting though it seem to have mellowed down. Skin issues not getting better but in actual fact, I am more prone to skin injury, sensitivity of unknown cause. Bruise easily   and some progress to skin ulceration that take months to heal. 

My doctor have interpreted the skin biopsy results as non-specific inflammation which is not Vasculitis. The problem is there is no medication to control the flare-ups except for the dozens of creams on my shelf. I spent 30 minutes after every shower just applying creams. Sick and tired of creams and screams at myself and caught between a chronic condition without a diagnosis.

Being light sensitive still, no improvement and opthamologist confirmed there is nothing wrong with my eyes. So ... prescription glasses do not work, no medication and no cure.

The excruciating pain of De Quervain Tendinitis on my right wrist has recurred since the last Hydrcortisone injection 9 months ago. Time is due. 

Hair has stopped falling crazily ... thank God I could see some new hair has started growing.

Overall, I feel much better on this 3rd month. Energy is back though still feeling like a 100 year old every miserable morning. Sleep is still waking up every 2 hours sweating like a pig! Arms and legs have got back their muscles and I do not slouch anymore. Recently, I always feel hungry unlike those times when I hated even the sight and smell of food. Everything taste wonderful now especially the spices that my tongue rejected for 6 months. One last thing, I have gained a bit of weight ... 1 kg! Good job Dorelia!

I am so proud of myself. I MADE IT!!! After 6 months of torture, all I can say is it was worth doing it. For those who are still contemplating treatment, do not hesitate anymore ... go get yourself cured of this friggin virus. When you have done it, you will be glad you did. No matter how tough this treatment is, you will not regret it.

I now look at life very differently ... my perspectives have changed, my outlook of life is not what most people would want or think it should be. Now that I am cured I am certain my health will improve with a balanced lifestyle and a new life. People may think I am nuts and impractical but it is going to be a new life for me .. a NEW me!