Scuba Diving
As soon as treatment ended, I was eager to start a life brand new. I wanted to do what I have been missing. If I could turn back the clock and live my life all over again, I would fall in love again with someone whom I deserved. I will travel the world as much as I could afford and do the things I love. I just wanted back my life ... to be happy. My health had taken a large part of my life away that now I should not waste it anymore. So I started scuba diving so that I could feel the tranquility, peace and explore the beauty of the underwater world. I want to dive where visibility is good, lots of see, beautiful corals, big or small, unique and weird creatures.
I went on a holiday alone in Bali, did some sightseeing and discover diving. Then I got myself certified to dive in Khao Lak, Thailand. I continued my diving adventure in Lembeh Straits, North Sulawesi where I fell in love with muck diving and shooting macro. I got obsessed with videography and splurge on equipment as well as dive essentials. Not forgetting the fortune I spent on dives, accommodation, airfares and using up my annual leave. Then I dive the famous Sipadan and Mabul islands where I met the best divemaster so far and we became close friends soon after.
Relationship?
It has been 10 days since I got back from Sabah. I thought I have started fresh after years of exhaustion from past failed relationships and illnesses. After the many lessons learned, I should make the right choice, meet the right guy and not make the same mistakes again.
I was not enchanted by good looks or 5 Cs, but I am attracted by the innermost of a person's personality and charisma. If someone were to ask me what I like about him, I really do not know. He saved my life. I just like him so much that my mind is always occupied with thoughts of him. I want to give him as much as I could afford. Even if I need to scrimp, survive on bread and butter, maggie mee to save some money so that I could buy him what his heart desires, so long as he is happy. When he said his regulator "broke", I almost wanted to buy one for him but I was broke during the middle of the month. I have bought a new Aqualung BCD and some other dive stuff online including a rash guard for him and myself for our Lembongan dives. I have searched and found the Hog D2 Special Edition 2nd stage reasonably priced that I may be buying when I collect my pay end of this month. But if the air tickets are getting more expensive as days go by and currency exchange unfavorable, my budget is constrained. I am not rich, just earn enough for myself and sacrifice for the sake of my baby Garry.
Most of the nights were spent chatting online with Garry until my brain stopped working. However, we lost touch since yesterday somehow and maybe forever. Will I ever see him or dive with him again? I wonder as negative thoughts of our short-lived friendship, the 6 days of joy shared together overwhelmed me. Whenever I closed my eyes, his smiling face appeared before me. When I open my eyes, I wish to see him online but he was always away from me. He was online but he is probably chatting with someone else and told me he was busy reading the news. I waited like a fool.
It has been 10 days since I got back from Sabah. I thought I have started fresh after years of exhaustion from past failed relationships and illnesses. After the many lessons learned, I should make the right choice, meet the right guy and not make the same mistakes again.
Most of the nights were spent chatting online with Garry until my brain stopped working. However, we lost touch since yesterday somehow and maybe forever. Will I ever see him or dive with him again? I wonder as negative thoughts of our short-lived friendship, the 6 days of joy shared together overwhelmed me. Whenever I closed my eyes, his smiling face appeared before me. When I open my eyes, I wish to see him online but he was always away from me. He was online but he is probably chatting with someone else and told me he was busy reading the news. I waited like a fool.
We went diving as buddies in Kota Kinabalu and Pulau Tiga and supposedly had a great time. I presented him with a new Samsung Mini smartphone which he needed to go online and a large backpack for him to put two bags into one. He was so happy about it and I felt happy for him too. We got to know each other better and kept in touch as he went back to work. I find him very special in his own ways. He may be young but we got along well enough. I enjoyed his company a lot, I like the way he talks, his smile, his attitude and passion. I realized that I missed him more and more. I wanted to know how he was doing every minute, everyday and chat with him all day. I longed to be a part of his life and wished he feels the same too. He had expressed his feelings well enough to me but he did not show it. Things were going fine until he went back to his village in Kota Kinabalu. I felt his behavior changed a lot that I had to ask myself again and again: "Is this a relationship at all"?
Almost Given Up
Sometimes when we chat, he would suddenly disappear. He did not reply my messages and went missing until the next day. When he asked me to call, sometimes he did not answer. When he said he will text me, but he did not. Sometimes, we lost touch for more than 24 hours. What the hell is going on? I felt alone and frightened. I was hurt by his silence and so afraid that is the end of our friendship when I did not receive his text. I was afraid to dive without him by my side. I was afraid our planned trip would not materialized. I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking of him. How disappointed I was waiting like a fool for his message! He may be enjoying himself, getting drunk and probably fooling around! When I asked him what happened, he said he was always drinking with his uncle. I wonder his uncle is a girl whom he may be going out with. Many nights I spent waiting at Facebook for him to chat until when I got too tired and fell asleep. I have not done such stupid things for a long time! I felt like I am back to my younger teenage years.
After a week he started on a new job, he got further away from me. From my instinct, I could sense he has been avoiding me. So I made him confess and speak his honest opinion. He explained that he told his family about me and they discourage him on our relationship. Yet again he expressed how much he wanted to be with me and cried over the phone. I felt sorry for ourselves. We had no commitments with each other but just being best friends or more than friends. I believe we want to progress further but environment and distance do not grant us the freedom. I also do not want him to commit due to our long distance apart because it will only be unfair to him. His priority now is to start building his foundation in his diving career and I do not suggest that he get involved in any relationship as yet. He need to be able to feed himself first and this he has to learn.
What I was disappointed about is not his family opinions but his action and they way he handle this matter. We are all grown ups. He could have discussed with me and tell me what happened. As a matured person, I would accept and settle it amicably without feeling so much hurt and neglected. That is probably he has not learned how to handle due to his young age. He had chose avoidance as an escape. I hope this be a lesson to him. What a disappointment!
Every night I still wait for his text or his call until I fell asleep. I still misses him everyday but with the thought that he does not and maybe avoiding me, be my excuse not to take the initiative. I think I have enough of being foolishly infatuated with someone I do not deserve.
However, I care for him so much that my mind is filled with worries and imagination. What are the problems he is facing and does it concern me? Does he know how to manage? If he doesn't know, I would gladly guide him on the right path. I want to teach him how to protect himself, how to face problems and how to live life. I want to help him as much as I could but I do not know where to start because he did not share anything with me. Am I not even worth being a friend! He did not realize that he has been hurting me with this attitude he is giving me these past weeks. Should I be giving up on him yet?
After many hours of waiting everyday, when I send a hard message, he would suddenly call in the middle of the night. Isn't that a respond of guilt? With his expression of sincerity and sobbing, my heart would still melt. I gave him a chance to change his attitude. On the third week of his submarine cleaning job, he still have yet to apply for his passport for our trip. Only then I found out that the money he made for the day have been taken away by his uncle and family. I also realized that is the reason he could not contact me whenever he is back home. I could sense that he is being controlled. I think they want him to repay them for bringing him up and return the money he borrowed for his diving courses. They discouraged him for befriending or keep in contact with me knowing that I would guide him in the right way which may not be to their advantage. The ironic thing is, he listens obediently but cries to himself. Can't you be a man, Garry? I am disappointed that he cannot stand up for his own rights, probably because he felt indebted to this family. He could not fight for himself, do the thing he desires and live the life he wants. I am sad that he is ignoring me because they must be putting pressure on him. How can I help him?
After a long conversation, he confessed facing some difficulty at home but he still insist he wants to join me for this trip. Should I doubt his sincerity? But I could still sense he is trying to escape reality. Again, we chat halfway and he disappeared. Until the next 24 hours he is still missing. He still has not changed his attitude. Escape again! It seems to be happening over and over again .. that he does not follow through our chat or conversation. Should I trust my instincts? I am still struggling whether to let him join me on my trip the week after next and this time in between will be continued stress and uncertainty for me. I cannot make any concrete plans besides making the hotel bookings. Nothing can be confirmed until I arrive Bali and he appear before me.
Will someone advise me ... should I let go completely now and ever, strike his name off? Should I wait one more week? He should be doing some forest cleaning and hunting with his uncle and may be missing in action again!
I shall wait until the end of this week ... still no passport? I will conclude that all that has been said were just a pack of LIES!
I thought I have started a new life, discovered my love for diving but will I find my true love?
Stressed Up Given Up
I cracked a joke and he felt intimidated even after few hours he was still enraged. When I called, he sounded just as furious. The tone he used seemed like a stranger. He has changed and I was very upset on the tone he used on me. I almost wanted to give up knowing that he finally show his true self. I explained but he sounded positive. He called me back and we settled amicably. I have given in again. So his passport was finally done. But I could sense his reluctance, he was not at all happy or interested in this trip.
Looking back the last two months, I was all the way stressed up that he had no time to make passport, stressed that he had no time to contact me, stressed that he might be enjoying his life secretly, stressed that he was no longer interested, stressed that he has found someone else, stressed that he may be lost and lonely, stressed that he is being bullied, stressed that he may postpone or cancel the trip, stressed that he might lose his passport, stressed that he may be locked in and miss the flight, stressed that his uncle and family will stop him, stressed that his mind is poisoned by cruel assumptions about me, stressed that I may be waiting alone like a fool for hours on a strange land.
I have almost wanted to give up on his attitude. I was still trying to analyse the psychology of communication. I realized that our communication has broken down except talking about the upcoming trip. He did not want to talk, share or discuss whatever he is going through. And he kept saying we will always be the best of friends ... contradicting! We are drifting further and further apart. I could not imagine myself holidaying with someone who shows no interest, an unwilling partner I have to face during every meal who may be yawning on the dining table, dozing off during breakfast or walking together in separately ways. I do not want to spoil my diving trip. I should not sacrifice for someone else's joy and at my expense. It will be very unfair to me which I am sure will be a regret. In the past with the many mistakes I made in life because I did not want to follow my instinct. This time round, I have to learn and follow my instinct ... my heart.
Love Myself Enough
The next day, as usual, no communication. As a woman, I would expect him to take the initiative. I hope he knows the rule of the game but ... who knows he may not. I sent him messages giving him pressure that I have been waiting for his calls and text everyday and even said that I could sense his heart has changed. He is no longer the person I used to know ... Yes he replied with words of resentment: "I can't stand it anymore ... been busy with his life and no time ...". So the ugly truth is finally revealed. He sounded like my emotions have been giving him lots of pressure and upsetting his life ... or rather disturb the peaceful life he is now having. But he did not know how much things would have been different if he could just talk. This is the first friend I have who does not tell me his problems unlike some who endlessly tell me their problems everyday. It could be the cruel fact that he did not treat me as a friend or does not know what are friends for. Does he know the definition of friend?
If he want to continue keeping secrets, I shall end my waiting there and then. A true relationship has no secrets or lies. It is not that I have lost patience, not that I am giving up but my heart is empty without his words and I cannot continue to live with an empty heart. I am like a flower without water. I am just letting go of something that is not meant to be. The next thing I replied that I will not disturb him anymore and forget about everything ... the trip" and that ended it. That was it.
Did I feel sore? Yes of course I am still human with feelings and lots of it. The thoughts of him still lingers on my mind. Honestly, I still misses him. I have not taken a fancy at men for years and do not easily like someone unless that somebody is special in my eyes. He still is, with lots of room for improvement, if he is willing to learn. He is fortunate to have known me but unfortunate enough not to learn from me. That was his loss. I wish he would find someone soon whom he can share and relate with, someone who could guide him on his journey in life.
I socialized with some colleagues I never knew and drank one too many during our company function. However, I still maintained my poise. Rested the next day and drank alone as I mourn for the loss of a friendship but this time round, it was well handled. I have matured. I did not do crazy things. I am loving myself more and most importantly, I have learned to let go. Even then, I could not sleep for the past two nights, still hoping he will tell me what every girl would want to hear .. that how much he wanted to see me but ... nope, he did not and I am more than sure that I have made the right decision. The next day, I cancelled all his flights. There was no refund and I had no qualms about it though. I would rather lose some now than continue with this drag and lose more of myself later and perhaps may have fallen into the grave of depression and anxiety.
The next few days there was no more waiting. I proceed with my own plans for my trip because I do not have to wait at the airport anymore and miss the afternoon boat. Now I just have wait for the day to come. I felt completely free of stupid obsessive thoughts ... finally I could sleep. At the end of this story as I get back on my feet I would like to start blogging again ... express my thoughts and analyse my recent experience in detail and re-learn about life and how to love myself even more.
However, I care for him so much that my mind is filled with worries and imagination. What are the problems he is facing and does it concern me? Does he know how to manage? If he doesn't know, I would gladly guide him on the right path. I want to teach him how to protect himself, how to face problems and how to live life. I want to help him as much as I could but I do not know where to start because he did not share anything with me. Am I not even worth being a friend! He did not realize that he has been hurting me with this attitude he is giving me these past weeks. Should I be giving up on him yet?
After many hours of waiting everyday, when I send a hard message, he would suddenly call in the middle of the night. Isn't that a respond of guilt? With his expression of sincerity and sobbing, my heart would still melt. I gave him a chance to change his attitude. On the third week of his submarine cleaning job, he still have yet to apply for his passport for our trip. Only then I found out that the money he made for the day have been taken away by his uncle and family. I also realized that is the reason he could not contact me whenever he is back home. I could sense that he is being controlled. I think they want him to repay them for bringing him up and return the money he borrowed for his diving courses. They discouraged him for befriending or keep in contact with me knowing that I would guide him in the right way which may not be to their advantage. The ironic thing is, he listens obediently but cries to himself. Can't you be a man, Garry? I am disappointed that he cannot stand up for his own rights, probably because he felt indebted to this family. He could not fight for himself, do the thing he desires and live the life he wants. I am sad that he is ignoring me because they must be putting pressure on him. How can I help him?
After a long conversation, he confessed facing some difficulty at home but he still insist he wants to join me for this trip. Should I doubt his sincerity? But I could still sense he is trying to escape reality. Again, we chat halfway and he disappeared. Until the next 24 hours he is still missing. He still has not changed his attitude. Escape again! It seems to be happening over and over again .. that he does not follow through our chat or conversation. Should I trust my instincts? I am still struggling whether to let him join me on my trip the week after next and this time in between will be continued stress and uncertainty for me. I cannot make any concrete plans besides making the hotel bookings. Nothing can be confirmed until I arrive Bali and he appear before me.
Will someone advise me ... should I let go completely now and ever, strike his name off? Should I wait one more week? He should be doing some forest cleaning and hunting with his uncle and may be missing in action again!
I shall wait until the end of this week ... still no passport? I will conclude that all that has been said were just a pack of LIES!
I thought I have started a new life, discovered my love for diving but will I find my true love?
Stressed Up Given Up
I cracked a joke and he felt intimidated even after few hours he was still enraged. When I called, he sounded just as furious. The tone he used seemed like a stranger. He has changed and I was very upset on the tone he used on me. I almost wanted to give up knowing that he finally show his true self. I explained but he sounded positive. He called me back and we settled amicably. I have given in again. So his passport was finally done. But I could sense his reluctance, he was not at all happy or interested in this trip.
Looking back the last two months, I was all the way stressed up that he had no time to make passport, stressed that he had no time to contact me, stressed that he might be enjoying his life secretly, stressed that he was no longer interested, stressed that he has found someone else, stressed that he may be lost and lonely, stressed that he is being bullied, stressed that he may postpone or cancel the trip, stressed that he might lose his passport, stressed that he may be locked in and miss the flight, stressed that his uncle and family will stop him, stressed that his mind is poisoned by cruel assumptions about me, stressed that I may be waiting alone like a fool for hours on a strange land.
I have almost wanted to give up on his attitude. I was still trying to analyse the psychology of communication. I realized that our communication has broken down except talking about the upcoming trip. He did not want to talk, share or discuss whatever he is going through. And he kept saying we will always be the best of friends ... contradicting! We are drifting further and further apart. I could not imagine myself holidaying with someone who shows no interest, an unwilling partner I have to face during every meal who may be yawning on the dining table, dozing off during breakfast or walking together in separately ways. I do not want to spoil my diving trip. I should not sacrifice for someone else's joy and at my expense. It will be very unfair to me which I am sure will be a regret. In the past with the many mistakes I made in life because I did not want to follow my instinct. This time round, I have to learn and follow my instinct ... my heart.
Love Myself Enough
The next day, as usual, no communication. As a woman, I would expect him to take the initiative. I hope he knows the rule of the game but ... who knows he may not. I sent him messages giving him pressure that I have been waiting for his calls and text everyday and even said that I could sense his heart has changed. He is no longer the person I used to know ... Yes he replied with words of resentment: "I can't stand it anymore ... been busy with his life and no time ...". So the ugly truth is finally revealed. He sounded like my emotions have been giving him lots of pressure and upsetting his life ... or rather disturb the peaceful life he is now having. But he did not know how much things would have been different if he could just talk. This is the first friend I have who does not tell me his problems unlike some who endlessly tell me their problems everyday. It could be the cruel fact that he did not treat me as a friend or does not know what are friends for. Does he know the definition of friend?
If he want to continue keeping secrets, I shall end my waiting there and then. A true relationship has no secrets or lies. It is not that I have lost patience, not that I am giving up but my heart is empty without his words and I cannot continue to live with an empty heart. I am like a flower without water. I am just letting go of something that is not meant to be. The next thing I replied that I will not disturb him anymore and forget about everything ... the trip" and that ended it. That was it.
Did I feel sore? Yes of course I am still human with feelings and lots of it. The thoughts of him still lingers on my mind. Honestly, I still misses him. I have not taken a fancy at men for years and do not easily like someone unless that somebody is special in my eyes. He still is, with lots of room for improvement, if he is willing to learn. He is fortunate to have known me but unfortunate enough not to learn from me. That was his loss. I wish he would find someone soon whom he can share and relate with, someone who could guide him on his journey in life.
I socialized with some colleagues I never knew and drank one too many during our company function. However, I still maintained my poise. Rested the next day and drank alone as I mourn for the loss of a friendship but this time round, it was well handled. I have matured. I did not do crazy things. I am loving myself more and most importantly, I have learned to let go. Even then, I could not sleep for the past two nights, still hoping he will tell me what every girl would want to hear .. that how much he wanted to see me but ... nope, he did not and I am more than sure that I have made the right decision. The next day, I cancelled all his flights. There was no refund and I had no qualms about it though. I would rather lose some now than continue with this drag and lose more of myself later and perhaps may have fallen into the grave of depression and anxiety.
The next few days there was no more waiting. I proceed with my own plans for my trip because I do not have to wait at the airport anymore and miss the afternoon boat. Now I just have wait for the day to come. I felt completely free of stupid obsessive thoughts ... finally I could sleep. At the end of this story as I get back on my feet I would like to start blogging again ... express my thoughts and analyse my recent experience in detail and re-learn about life and how to love myself even more.
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