Reminiscing the Good Old Days

(fron left): Hai Choo, me, Cheryl, Hai Lan, Alice

Alice Tan organized this gathering a week before and we all confirmed it just the day before we met on 31 May 2014. Some of us had not seen each other for about 30 + years! How time flies! I could feel the innocence in us when we were kids is back. However, this innocence has turned into a sincere and genuine friendship we kept over the years which will last forever.

We were all childhood friends and actively involved in the activities of Calvary Jurong Bible Presbyterian Church. As each of us were growing up, we all went our separate ways. Some pursued education overseas while others moved away from the neighbourhood and eventually lost contact ... like myself. Due to our personal obligations and pursuits, we had to strive and struggle to live the life this society mould us to be. To get employed, settle down and start a family. In order to achieve this basic needs of a  happy life, we had traded in with much efforts and sacrifices encompassed with pain and suffering. Not all of us had a smooth ride. Some were less fortunate than others. Some made it eventually after a roughing out the tough times and some are still going through the different transitions in life again and again. As some of us strayed away from God and led our selfish lives for selfish gains, the ups and downs in life eventually led us to realize His greatness and unconditional love that no other can give us. We are like the prodigal sons who return after having rebelled and wasted half our lives. We lost ourselves along the way through the many ordeals again and again but finally at this point of life, we found God and ourselves again.

We thank our Almighty God that for His grace and mercy Who had watched over us all these years. For blessing our lives and that of our families, for giving us hope when many times we almost gave up. 

 

Live and Be Who You Want To Be - my experiences

Hope you guys like this new poster I made with my own picture taken at Secret Beach, Sabang, North Sumatra.

I have been waking up during the wee hours in the morning with so much in my mind that inspires me to update my blogs which I have neglected for a while.  Recently met a nice young lady and we got along fine. However, I soon realized her perceptions are not quite open yet. The advice I can give is limited to using my life experience as a living example as life cannot be taught but live to experience success and happiness, failures from mistakes or tragedy and traumas. What I am putting down here is only my personal opinion based on my life experiences. This is not a professional advice for any readers. We will begin this with what success is:

Success ... what is it to me?

It has been said many times, to many, that success is a journey and not a destination.  This is very true because many people stop moving when they achieve financial stability, wealth or status and become complacent. From the business point of view, long term stability and security is achieved through endless relationships with customers which is the journey and process. Aside from financial achievement, what else is there to achieve in order to live a fruitful and meaningful life with purpose and value that motivates you to live with happiness and contentment? That at the end of the day, when you are rich and famous but old and tired, you will ask yourself, what have you achieved in this life to feel you have done what you should have for the society or did many things which cannot be brought to the next "world" and that have to come to a stop the moment you closed you eyes forever? We fully agree that the monetary rewards for working like a dog this whole life will help our younger generation achieve their future desires but we will no longer be around to know what will happen. Do you want to be remembered or will they even remember you as the giver? Let us leave this discussion to interested parties on estate management.

Let us look at what success in my life mean. Those days, I thought I was successful because I drive a marque, live in a Orchard Road condominium, dine at restaurants and socialize with the high society, it never lasted because they come and go.  Some of the rich did not stay rich and the richer became more snobbish. My then lavish lifestyle also led to bad habits like gambling. Slowly, much of of my fortune went down the casino lane and subsequent business ventures. 

After going through financial success, failures, death of family member, tragedies, personal traumas and sickness being the latest, my perception of life changed 360 degrees at this turning point in my life (third quarter of life ... guess my age lol!). Having been through a chronic illness for a few years, the pain had me awaken to realize the real happiness of living. I was not at my death's bed but the symptoms and effects from the therapy had gotten a toll on me for a year and a half. The non-chalant attitude from others left me with nothing but disappointment and hopelessness.

All Alone ...

When I was sick, nobody really cares financially or physically. It was financially strained paying for my medical bills but all said they got no money. The only help I received was $4000, the minimal medical claim provided by my company. I was even advised to borrow from relatives. I asked myself "Am I such a bad person that did not deserved any help even from my own family? I have been the provider, driver  during the good times and even shared my marque ... ", I was devastated and frustrated but no one to talk to. I was always in all sorts of pain and allergies but nobody at home co-operated, understood or empathize. At that point, I encouraged myself to hang on until it was over. I depended on myself mentally and emotionally during this whole ordeal. At that point, I realized my life had been a failure. Nothing I had done meant anything now. Despite the marque, monetary gifts and status, it was lost and had become history. What I was yesterday was already forgotten because only what you are today matters. I told myself that throughout this ordeal, I will have to grit my teeth and not give up.

I am almost at tears writing this post, recalling the saddest part of my journey in life. But this part of the journey has brought me up to realize what real happiness is. I went to take a break. I was so tired fighting the illness, its effects and emotional strain. As I recuperate, I started to travel to North Sulawesi, Bali and especially to Banda Aceh, North Sumatra, Indonesia, I saw how difficult but simple and happy life can be and learned how the Tsunami has affected their lives and family and how unfortunate they have been, deprived of the luxuries of life, having limited resources in healthcare provision, daily needs and government support, I realized how fortunate I am living here in Singapore and still not happy. We can go through all kinds of pain but how can that be compared to the sufferings of the unfortunate? Not only did they lose their homes and property, but together with many of their loved ones. That is the trauma that could live in their hearts forever. Why are we unable to live simply and happily despite the difficulties in life and stop complaining? Why are we never contented with what we already have? 

Live Your Dreams

With my in sights to the lives of the less fortunate in Indonesia, new discovery of the magnificent underwater world with travelling becoming my passion, my perspectives of life have changed. Life can be very simple but too often our human nature complicates matters . 

My definition of happiness and success can be concluded as "Live and be who you want to be, not what others want to see". We live for ourselves and do not need the approval of others. Do what we feel is right and not against our conscience or at the expense of others. Your wealth and status may not bring you happiness. Good looks and youth wither as we grow older but the joy and fulfillment in us last for as long as we live, the choice is ours. 

If you do see the unfortunate with your own eyes, are you willing to offer help besides monetary gifts? Have a dream and live to fulfill it, do for yourself whatever that makes you happy and a life fulfilled. For my life, I will not stop continuing my dream for exploring the underwater world and travelling to support the less fortunate diving destinations. If my obligations have been met, I would volunteer in remote locations. The most important will be to appreciate and take care of my parents. With this simpler goals, in life, I will be a happier person. Life is less complicated and the world a better place to live in. What more could I ask for in this life?

Fresver Beauty @ Tampimes - BEWARE!

I should have checked them out before going for the “free” facial but I did not expect to experience such hard selling similar to certain direct marketeers. They offered the diamond peel facial for free but when I went in the consultation room, they checked my skin and said due to my sensitive skin, will not be suitable and recommended another type of facial. I asked for extraction and had to pay $40. The therapist was nice and gentle but she did not do a proper extraction which i discovered much later. She did not even bother to extract a pimple! After the session, the consultant and therapist talked me into buying a 3 facial package cost $295 incl GST. Having seen my face still with the white heads and pimple and looking back at their sales techniques, I felt I was coerced into buying the package. I called and then went down asking for a refund. I was told that any request for refund or exchange of treatments are to write in to an email to Karen… what rubbish! After a few emails, she still did not grant me the refund but gave me options to exchange for other treatments. Now I am not happy to go there anymore and yet can’t get my money back! What should I do?

Anyone got suggestions? Maybe I can only go back to finish the package but with a change of therapist. Not sure if it’s possible. I will not hesitate to continue telling everyone not to go to this salon.

For those reading this post and have received a call to go for free facial, PLEASE DO NOT GO TO FRESVER BEAUTY SALON!!! It will NOT be free! They will hard sell you until you buy something which you may not be confident of. They are dishonest and unethical, unprofessional and not customer oriented. They will rebut anything you say and give all sorts of excuses to make you buy something.

So REMEMBER, DO NOT GO TO FRESVER BEAUTY SALON!

Backache on the bus

It has been three months since one of the drivers fetch Arlyn and myself to work and breakfast (I normally just have tea) every morning. I decided to give this a break and start taking the public transport again which started yesterday.

Today, I could feel agony of the past has been relived. While standing on the bus, I was looking for somewhere I could lean my back to ease the pain but the bus was too cramped up. At my age (cos nobody believes), I should be called the auntie to the many younger 9 to 5 office staff on the bus and yet young lads and gals did not give way when there was an empty seat. So I take it as a compliment that I still look young! lol ...

Even leaving my laptop on the floor, the pain still persist. I was facing sideways standing on the slope of the bus so I changed position to face the front. It helped. I analysed that the back needs both sides of the body to be aligned in order to balance and not aggravate the disc any further.

I recall there was a middle age Malay lady (about 30+ yo) whom I used to see on the same bus (no. 17) from Tampines to Bedok who always let me have her seat. She must be knowledgeable or experienced to notice my problem and a very kind-hearted person. In so far, the last two years, I have never met another kind soul. Whenever I am on the MRT, nobody give up their seats to the elderly too! And this "auntie" having back problem have to give up my seat. What an irony in this world!  Maybe I should I go back to being a plain Jane, no color dyes on hair, keep my hair white and dress like "auntie". Maybe then there be a little more sympathy from the younger people ...

I also started fidgeting on my seat again. I just need to keep adjusting to reduce the discomfort and pain. When will people ever notice and learned that these are the symptoms of a bad back problem ... for my case, it is called Degenerative Disc Disease (DDD).

Allergic to scents

It all started when I was on Hepatitis therapy. The first few weeks on the medication, my sensitivity to smell, light and noise rose above the normal person. I thought it was temporary but today, more than a year later then I realized this has become permanent. 

Perfume

I have become extremely sensitive to perfumes with floral scents and asthma will be aggravated. If I get on a crowded bus in the morning, I would cover my nose with a piece of tissue, acting like I've got runny nose. If not, I would feel choked, difficulty breathing with airways blocked and start coughing till my lungs drop. This is also regularly experienced every Sunday morning when dad spray perfume on his shirt before he leaves for church service. I would stay in my room until he leaves the house.

Chemical

Certain chemicals also affect my breathing such as strong detergent, paint, varnish and hair dyes. Whenever I color my hair at the salon, my scalp would even feel numb and swollen.

Odor

Not too bad. I could still breathe normally but feels like I'm gonna faint.

Remedies

I have not found any remedy yet. I am still learning. Meanwhile, I will begin by eating less processed foods such as instant noodles and canned food. Of course, eating healthily and  a balanced lifestyle is common advice but not easily adhered to without discipline. Taking vitamins for long term is also beneficial to people with allergies and inflammation. These are my regular vitamins/health drink have been taking:

Evening Primrose Oil 2000 mg per day

Omega 3 1000 mg per day

Vitamin D3 2000 mg per day

Glucosamine 800 mg per day

Vitagen (low sugar) 5 bottles a week

I always recommend drinking at least 2 litre of water daily. I drink almost 2 to 3 litre daily. Water not only cleanse the body system, it also helps reduce getting colds and flu.

Another common advice usually heard from doctors and nutritionists is to eat lots of vegetables. Vegetables contain abundance of nutrients that fights illness. Besides eating chicken, fish or pork, I also ensure that these are on my dinner menu once a week:

Broccoli

Chilli Peppers

Green Cucumber

Celery

Carrots

I will, however try my best to live healthily and my next objective is to start jogging every weekend to build up my stamina.

Some information can be found here on healthy foods:

http://vitalhomeremedies.com/category/super-foods/

On Pain Meds again

Tramadol 50mg

It has been months since I have stopped all my pain medications: pregabalin (Lyrica), Ultracet, Tramadol and Prednisone being the most recent. I realized that my back will ache intensely after one and a half months from my last diving trip. Since last weekend, I resumed taking Lyrica and Tramadol due to intense pain again. I really do not like this meds due to the side effects such as constipation, dry mouth, blurred vision, swollen eyes in the morning and feeling dizzy but it is very effective, at least for my pain.

Lyrica 75mg

That was the result of re-painting of the living room, I had to mop and sweep three times before I could find it clean enough. This over-activity caused a very bad backache radiating to the buttocks and thighs and a swollen wrist, the same position where I had tendinitis several times last year. I was anticipating the same would repeat after a few days but thank God, the pain is almost gone today. 

However, the pain radiating from my the left side of my neck all the way to my elbow has been intermittently restricting some movements. My forearm to palm and fingers would feel numb with pins and needles too. Recently I am back to examining my own body and the pain on all the tender points for Fibromyalgia are still painful. But I would avoid going to the Rheumatologist again unless the pain has become debilitating, to cut down on medical fees that do not cure. Morever, the specialists at the hospital do not believe in such illness.

What Goes Around Comes Around

Recently I found out that the person who said hurting words which can be found on my post "To be sick is the greatest", when I was suffering under the effects of the medication more than a year ago, has fallen sick.  He is 28 years old and is suffering from high blood pressure, the common illness of the elderly and the obese. I was surprised to learned that despite of his young age and medium size, is down with such an ailment.

I was not laughing my heart out, but instead gave him some advice on how to control his diet and lifestyle. Neither have I ever wished he would get sick or curse at him for hurting me. However, it is beyond doubt that karma is at work. What goes around comes around.

There is no need to seek revenge on anyone who did you wrong or hurt you. Just sit back, relax and let nature to take its course. If he deserves it, he will get it back for sure.

Post Treatment - 1 year

Yes! According to my liver function test, I am perfectly fine.

That is exactly how I feel since a few months ago. Side effects from the medication are almost gone! The only one lingering is Tinittus. However, I realized the other conditions have not improved are my Degenerative Disc Disease and Tinnitus.   I am still getting a lot of pain and discomfort ranging 4 to 7 pain scale.

I could still feel a lot of pain on my back whenever I sweep, vacuum or mop the floor. Any actions that require to bend my back I will feel intense pain that stops me from continuing.

Nobody understands what I was going through even though I have completed the therapy and my health looks back to normal, I am still facing some issues.

I am experiencing pain on the left shoulder starting from the neck to the fingers. Often feel pins and needls and numbness but still bearable. I have given up on TCM or Chiropractice which I think is a waste of money.

During the period before starting therapy and after that, I thought TCM helps ease my pain but it only drain my finances with not much improvement, only comfort for the moment.

My main disappointment was from mum. When I explain how I started with the pain, she reprimanded me instead. A that moment, I felt degraded that I am not worth being her daughter. Mum, being the only family I am livng for, now give me the feelings that all my efforts are gone... there is no meaning left in this world to live for.

Be Gentle with Yourself

from the 1927 prose poem  Desiderata (Latin: “desired things”) by Max Ehrmann

in full:

Desiderata 

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. 

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. 

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. 

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. 

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. 

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann

Since yesterday, I have been feeling lots of resentment triggered emotionally by the news that I will be posted to work at the head office. I could visualize myself vanishing from my present comfort zone and stepping into a furnace and burned to death. To eliminate feelings of resentment or anger, I will start searching for motivational and inspirational quotes to remind myself that life is short, the time spent getting angry or resentful about things is time squandered. Be mindful and do something to remove myself from it. 

I kept reading different quotes from Helen Keller, Eleanor Roosevelt, Albert Einstein, Steve Jobs, C.S.Lewis and many more. Not only was I reminded to make peace from within, also refreshes my mind to be grateful for what I have that I know how to be a happy person living in this beautiful world. When I came across this quote "Be Gentle with Yourself" by Max Ehrmann, the simplified version from the original poem of "Desiderata", I felt the sudden awakening from deepen guilt inside to praying for forgiveness and peace.  I am thankful to God for his guidance and acceptance ... I found peace and love that I want to share it with people around me.

Feeling Insecured ...

Yesterday, received news were distorted from what was relayed previously. We were told that we will move to our new plant but now it will not be materialized. Instructions given by the accounts department to cut costs and have us moved in back to our head office at Tuas. But that was not where I started this job. I calculated the travelling time may be around two and a half hours each way. That will mean I have to get up by 5 a.m. to reach the office at 8.30 a.m. and will reach home at about 8.30 p.m. every night. That will leave me with no time even to breathe or digest my dinner. This precarious move may cause health deterioration and advanced aging which after serious thoughts, I will persist not to make this move until the company terminate my employment. 

Selfish Bosses

Bad luck working with incompetent people Not only that, an out and out jerk with personality flaws, incompetent, insensitive, irresponsible and ignorant yet not resourceful. When faced with problems, he will push the blame on us. When comes to credit, they take them all. Now they are sitting safely on their new position and here we are, unwanted and outcast without a future in a big and established organization. 

Needless to say, no assistance provided for insufficient manpower until the last minute but expects project to be completed at the same with a pair of hands with a two weeks' deadline. Obviously, he will not bear responsibility but let the staff be the scapegoat instead.

Bad luck having such idiot around caring only for his own selfish gains and protect his own ass. I hope karma slaps you in the face before I do ...

Time to move on

I have updated my resume and will try to send out some applications. However, on second thoughts, if I am sufficiently compensated I could still cope taking one or two months' break before moving on to the next job. Should I take the Divemaster course? but where should I go? Nearest to home is Tioman but closed for the monsoon season. Pulau Weh is a nice and cheap to stay but there is a need for transfer and only one flight per day. Many of the pros did their course in the Philippines which is also a nice and cheap place to stay. Hope someone can enlighten me soon or I will continue to seek help with Google.

Suddenly, I felt financially unstable after having plans to set up my new camera rig with strobes and accessories, get a new mobile phone, do up my hair etc, being the sole breadwinner now makes me feel even more frustrated.

What should I do?

With much thoughts and uncertainty on my mind, I could not do much at work today. I still cannot accept the fact of leaving this company. Why should I leave because of the selfish decision of the supervisors? But if I am well compensated, I could take a long break and then look for a new job ... But at my age, how many interviews do I need before I get hired by someone? That is another problem ... age! I am worrying about the balance loan repayment for my home ... if I could not find a job, what should I do?

Asthma

I have been leading an active life and almost forgot about having a history of asthma ever since school days and a couple of attacks over the past 10 years. I only started to own an inhaler when I was hospitalized in 2011. It was sealed in the box and inside my drawer until lately, I struggled searching for it. Our whole family were at the wake of our late uncle for 3 days. During this week, every night, I was awaken with a bad cough and my airways were blocked that I almost could not find my breath. That was the worse attack I have ever had. It happened consecutively for 5 nights and my chest was so tight and felt so tired the next morning so I went to the doctor. I was prescribed the nasty steroids and some flu and cough medicine. 

The effects of steroids as usual, anxiety and unable to sleep for the first two nights. Heavy sweating the next 2 days and skin started to feel dry. After finishing my dose, acne will popped up 3 days later and felt very thirsty the whole day long.

After some research, people like me who has Gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD)  are likely to get asthma. And after completion of the HepC therapy, I started to have GERD ... and now asthma!

I am glad all is cleared now and there is no need to carry the inhaler everywhere I go anymore.  However, whenever I catch a cold, I will have to standby for another attack anytime.

Condolences .. 21 October 2013

You have gone to a wonderful place

Out of the pain into God's grace
God saw you getting tired
And whispered "Come home to stay."

We know for sure
he is in a better place
No more hurt or pain shall he face.
It seems unfair but this is true,
He is in Heaven watching over me and you!

God has called him home to rest
He will be well taken care of 

Because God knows best!

We lost a dear one last week .. uncle lost the battle to Multiple Myeloma an incurable cancer of the plasma cells. He relapsed a week before he was hospitalized and from his positiveness and optimism, we thought he deserve more days. He only complained about difficulty swallowing food and drink and felt not much pain. I heard he fell in the bathroom the day before he left.  But I do not think that was the cause of his death.  

However, after some research on this horrifying disease, I thought the doctor could be accurate with the prediction through his investigations that he was left with three months to live (since July). Though he had worked hard all his life and had just stepped in to retirement, he managed to spend some happy last days holidaying with his family. Everybody was consoled.

Rivers of tears were shed during the three days at the wake and funeral. All the close family members and other relatives gathered and spent 3 days of sharing and caught up with lost time. It has been 2 years since I met them. Kids have grown up that I almost could not recognize them. Granny and mum were the worst hit. I could not bear to see them cry because it was contagious... but after the whole ordeal, they managed to stay strong.

A tragedy in a family is the time when you could feel the closeness again. Everybody has been getting busier each years working hard, building their career and family that we lose contact easily. Now is the time for bonding again, update contact details and most importantly, do keep in touch even if there's no tragedy! Blood is always thicker than water.

It is comforting to know the elderly have learned hard in their life how to control their emotions and manage their lives in the golden years. Mum has been more positive now since the loss of my brother 31 years ago. As for myself ... I am much stronger.

Uncle has cancer

I am getting better and better each day. However, I am getting complacent to my overall recovery and have started to abuse my body again! 

I have started to drink again ... intermittently. Feeling really guilty about it while I am still having the occasional runs and stomach problems, I still cannot overcome my boredom of surface interval. Having the daily loose and light stools, I know jolly well the malfunction of my liver has not improved. Coupled with current disappointments at work, Garry and domestic problems, I simply added them together to put it off as "Bored" and drink beer as an escape.

Two days ago, I was informed that mum's brother has Myeloma. After a visit at the hospital and some personal research, his condition is fully understood. He has worked hard all his life at a shipyard, oil refinery I supposed with long term exposure to Benzene which I suspect is the main cause of the cancer. Though he lost lots of weight and in fact, shrank to half the size from before, he seemingly sounded great and positive! I am consoled. I was told he had left with 3 months to live (Doctor said since July) and I am so worried there is no chance for us to interact anymore. He has been a shy and nice uncle since my younger days and after he started his family, though busy with a new commitment, did not fail to recognize me as his niece. 

Let us all pray his relapse is temporary and will start chemotherapy again. Hope for less pain and suffering.

http://hematology.org/Patients/Blood-Disorders/Blood-Cancers/5232.aspx

I am Really Fine!

Those who knew about my illness have been asking me how I am doing nowadays. Since I am doing much better, I said "I'm fine and getting better".

Today is the eighth month since I completed my therapy. I have been doing better and better each day. Below are the summary of my reports:

Tired: no more
Sweats: less
Skin problem: getting better
Bones/Muscles: getting better
Brain:(I mean memory) getting better
Bowels: getting worse
liver function: no improvement
Overall: very good

Most importantly, I have gotten back the usual self and physical abilities which I have lost for years. I am able to perform like a normal and healthy person. No more feeling tired when I wake up in the morning. In fact, ever since taken up scuba diving, have built up a lot, no more flabs all around or pale colored skin. My back problem improved so much that I am able to lift up and carry the tank on my back from the dive centre to the shore. I also completed and passed the Rescue Course without any problems. I could carry an 70 kg guy on my back ... I thought it was a miracle.

I received notice that my past medical bills are not claimable. I have calculated the total of more than $5000 spent on treatment during the second half of 2012 followed by about $2000 medical fees with the Rheumatology, Dermatology and .... which I could not claimed due to my submission financial year ... shit!

Tendinitis again

I cannot think of a suitable title as yet since this topic will be repeated again and again. As I start to feel the strain and pain on my right wrist, I have to clean my room, at least, fans, air-con filters etc in order keep life comfortable. Despite of my wrist tendinitis, I felt the urge to do something for my home. It has been too long since my tendinitis flared up that stopped me from all these housework. I told mum about my problem, she asked how did it  happened but I only replied as it was due to some heavy carrying. What I expect is just an understanding when I dd not do the dishes, cleaning etc.

Today, I felt I have to do it because the fans are full of layers of dust. Today, I did too much, I presume there will be a flare up pretty soon.  I washed 2 toilets, vacuumed and mopped my room, living room, sun the clothes outside and cleaned 2 fans. I felt my wrist is blowing up now. However, with the splint, I can let it rest for a while and see if things get under control. Will update in the next post,

I have lots of resentment when I am doing housework. Nobody understands what the pain when my wrist is inflamed. They may think it is mild just like a sprain which will recover in a few days. How can I explain "tendinitis" to them? Despite of their doubts, I will just do it! They will be glad I did but at the expense of my pain. Why nobody understand???

When I was fighting the pain in the middle of the night, I tried to distract myself by searching for prayers, quotes and motivation to cheer myself up, yet nobody was there except my Lord, who is the One I can turn to. During those times of distress, the only consolation I receive was from my Lord.. Even though I do not attend church, but I 

devote myself to Him at all times. There is nobody else you can trust in this world except our Lord.

I am, however glad somehow, there are people who understands and felt my pain. I am very grateful to Li Chuan (a colleague from 2nd floor) who expressed her concern and even felt the pain I was going through.  Honestly, I was very touched. However, the people who were supposed to understand are in total silence! How am I ever to let them know that I have such limitations?

I have asked my parents, can i  be exempted temporary from housework due to my wrist problem. It seemed she did not except it that is why things are not done and waiting for me to do it over the weekends.  Can i complain that is unfair? There is nothing I can say... 

Post-Treatment - 24 weeks

I have some good news to report and update since the last 2 months of silence. 

Results NEGATIVE:

I have done my final PCR RNA test to be officially pronounced "100% CURED". Anyway, I have been "undetected" ever since the first PCR. Results will be out on June 18 and this is my "graduation certificate"!

After loads of blood tests, skin swaps, biopsies for the painful chronic ulcer on my ankle, it was reported that there is only mild inflammation. Not diagnosed as Vasculitis. Not serious enough to be treated and there is nothing doctors can help except to continue with Colchicine and Nifedipine. All I can do is just simply pray and wish it will not recur.  I have to be extra careful not to injure my skin especially when I am outdoors. There are some adjustments to be made as well. 

Tired NO MORE:

I realized that the morning fatigue is almost gone. It used to take me an hour for my body to get going but now I only need 30 minutes. The widespread aches and pains have diminished so much except when I sit a bit too long. However, the pain is bearable that no medication is needed. I can just put it all behind me.

Flare up:

My wrist tendinitis flared again, the second time this year, after my last diving trip to Kota Kinabalu. I have already reported that I had a steroid jab 3 months ago and no more jabs until I see the Orthopaedic.  I could not get an appointment until June 13. Meanwhile, the company panel prescribed Codeine, Prednisolone to reduce my pain and inflammation. It was a miracle drug! After 2 doses, pain have been reduced 50%. The sad thing is now, I have run out of value on the medical card, I will have to pay cash upfront next time I see the doctor.  I always blamed myself for forcing my hands on that crate of beer just because I wanted to store them inside our fridge in the chalet, for convenience. However, it seems like a norm to get flared after a trip. 

All I can conclude is that whenever I am on holiday, I have forgotten about pain, I am feeling so much better that I overdo things and over exert myself. I have forgotten my motto altogether "If I pace, I can play, if I push, I will pay". 

Post Treatment - Vasculitis or not?

Life has been treating me well the last 2 months. Hair has stopped falling made me a happier person. Generally speaking, I am overall contented with this vast improvement. No more painkillers, with intermittent aches but bearable.  Most of all, I am back in good health.  I will try to get back into shape and hopefully the years that I lost in that six months of therapy. I will be reminded always that health is so precious because when you have lost it, you cannot get it back.

Health is precious, so is life

Treasure it ... love it

Make the best out of it

Do not abuse your body

but pamper with tender loving care

Taking up scuba diving has also made me a different person in a whole new world. Physically, my bone health have improved. Psychologically, my overall perspectives have changed. I could feel the difference when I am out on a diving trip compared to daily routine back home. I realized that inactivity and stress has been giving me lots of aches and pains and sleeplessness. That is how I feel when I am not diving. When I am on a diving trip, lack of sleep or rest do not make me lazy or tired which I do when I am back to work. Mindlessness? Yes, I am no longer uptight when work supposed to be done is not executed spontaneously. If the management is not at all excited about it, why should I? Take things easy! Moreover, I have not been rewarded or compensated accordingly to my recent hard work during my months of sickness and sacrifice of my health. 

The aftermath I am experiencing now is the chronic ulcer on my legs since my Open Water Certification in Thailand. It takes more than a month to heal and recurred on every diving trip. So, the sea water brought it back. I have just been treated with Cochicine for a week now and the prognosis is good. No joint pain, side effects or any major issues. The sores from my scratching have almost healed completely though the cuts from the corals still prevail. Today, I attended the meeting at the hospital with a group of Dermatologists, professors and pathologists, where my doctor presented my case. It will be discussed and I will know the conclusion on my next appointment this Friday.

After weeks of my personal analysis, I can almost conclude that even without the pathologists report of vasculitis, my blood vessels are damaged and inflamed from the battle  between he Interferon/Ribavarin and my immune system. It could be kind of Leukocytoclastic vasculitis or drug-induced vasculitis. Wound, cuts or sores take months to heal and recur without a reason. Even a simple squeeze of an open pore would aggravate the skin and leave a red spot. My hope is not another therapy for me ... oh Jesus please help ...  All I wish is continuing with the current medication or Dapsone as recommended on PubMed for vasculitis. 

Post Treatment - 60 days

On this 28th day of January 2013 has been 60 days since finishing my treatment therapy. Most of the side effects are gradually lessen but some of those lingering seems to last forever, namely: dry/irritated eyes, Tinnitus, feverish syndrome, Vasculitis, irritable bowels etc.  I am glad Alopecia has stopped.  Recently snapped a shot for my PADI certification and oh ... my forehead widened. Pre-existing conditions before starting therapy remain no change, still tired and feeling like a 100 year old every morning, Raynaud's Phenomenon and Livedo Reticularis no improvement.  I shall be patient for another year and see if things get better.

Post Treatment - 12 weeks

Finally, I have waited 12 weeks to take the HCV RNA quantitative test and as expected, I am still undetected... hip hip hooray!!!  I AM CURED ... I DID IT!!! 

The experts have revised the time point from SVR-24 to SVR-12 and SVR-4 which means I am considered CURED. No need to wait 24 weeks.  The following link is from AALD:

http://i-base.info/htb/20643

Here is my latest report of my condition:

I am happy but not for the lingering effects from the medications. Tinnitus has been everlasting though it seem to have mellowed down. Skin issues not getting better but in actual fact, I am more prone to skin injury, sensitivity of unknown cause. Bruise easily   and some progress to skin ulceration that take months to heal. 

My doctor have interpreted the skin biopsy results as non-specific inflammation which is not Vasculitis. The problem is there is no medication to control the flare-ups except for the dozens of creams on my shelf. I spent 30 minutes after every shower just applying creams. Sick and tired of creams and screams at myself and caught between a chronic condition without a diagnosis.

Being light sensitive still, no improvement and opthamologist confirmed there is nothing wrong with my eyes. So ... prescription glasses do not work, no medication and no cure.

The excruciating pain of De Quervain Tendinitis on my right wrist has recurred since the last Hydrcortisone injection 9 months ago. Time is due. 

Hair has stopped falling crazily ... thank God I could see some new hair has started growing.

Overall, I feel much better on this 3rd month. Energy is back though still feeling like a 100 year old every miserable morning. Sleep is still waking up every 2 hours sweating like a pig! Arms and legs have got back their muscles and I do not slouch anymore. Recently, I always feel hungry unlike those times when I hated even the sight and smell of food. Everything taste wonderful now especially the spices that my tongue rejected for 6 months. One last thing, I have gained a bit of weight ... 1 kg! Good job Dorelia!

I am so proud of myself. I MADE IT!!! After 6 months of torture, all I can say is it was worth doing it. For those who are still contemplating treatment, do not hesitate anymore ... go get yourself cured of this friggin virus. When you have done it, you will be glad you did. No matter how tough this treatment is, you will not regret it.

I now look at life very differently ... my perspectives have changed, my outlook of life is not what most people would want or think it should be. Now that I am cured I am certain my health will improve with a balanced lifestyle and a new life. People may think I am nuts and impractical but it is going to be a new life for me .. a NEW me!

Post Treatment Blues - 21 days

Hair and Body Care

It has been 28 days since my last dose of Interferon alpha 2a and 21 days off the dreaded Ribavirin. Here are the updates of the lingering side effects from the Hepatitis C therapy:

Dehydration - no change
Dry eyes - no change
Myalgia - no change
Arthralgia - intermittent
Fatigue - no change
Insomnia - no change
Loss of Appetite - no change (loss 4 kg!)
Alopecia - no change (balding soon!)
Visual Change - not better
Taste/Noise/smell sensitive - no change
Lower backache - intermittent (thank God! at least one!)

Medicated Creams

These are the new developments from the heavy duty medications:

Temporomandibular joint and muscle disorders (TMJ) 
Tinnitus
Leukocytoclastic Vasculitis 
Degenerative Disc Disease

I have not been patient enough ... 

Since hair is still falling like crazy, even without taking medications and cut my hair short, I just cannot wait to get those gray clumps covered. Sorry to my scalp ... did an ammonia-free hair color just to boost a little of my self-confidence and image. I do not want to look not my age (older). Those were the days when I received lots of compliments that I did not look my age though (younger) and that was not too long ago. I need to find myself and hear again "hey! you don't look your age". No pain no gain.

Every morning I still wake up feeling like a 100 year old but now with an exceptional new symptom - ringing in the ears/head. It is like an electrical static noise, mini motor buzzing at the back of my head that does not have a switch. The moment I step into my room, it feels like I live in a forest full of of insects, crickets buzzing, whooshing. It never go away, not even with earphones or the sound of the fan. With the added pulsations or "internal trembling", vibration and buzzing inside my limbs, my nerves seem to be in over-drive. I guess I am sinking into isolation again, into a strange world.

The only time when the noise disappear is when I am underwater. What a relief! I have finally discovered my love for the sport which alleviates the Tinnutis!